Relationship Reflections

As I've mentioned in my previous blog, it all starts with a feeling.

feeling

noun

1. an emotional state or reaction.

emotion

noun

1. a strong feeling deriving from one's circumstances, mood or relationship with others.

E-motion is energy-in-motion. Energy vibrates and its frequency will determine the quality of the emotion.

Sunset in the desert sky

When I was 13, my parents divorced. Even though my dad went through his own painful experience, because I lived with my mom, I took on the pain and hurt that she was feeling as my own. I didn't have the emotional awareness to distinguish between my feelings and her feelings. I just felt her pain and accepted it as my own. The very first boyfriend I fell in love with when I was 14 cheated on me. During the break-up I experienced the first glimpse of what it feels like to hold both deep connection and pain simultaneously. Both my light and my shadow was exposed.

A seed has been planted.

Since then I have somehow always found myself holding the short end of the stick when it comes to relationships. I'm not saying all my relationships were bad. Not even close. It was simply this feeling of unworthiness that lived inside of me that created an outcome to match it - whichever way the story unfolded.

However, I reached a very low point inside myself when I experienced a scooter accident in Thailand. I wasn't able to work and look after myself and the pandemic didn't help my situation. My self-confidence plummeted...

The relationship I managed to get myself into at that point in time was a direct reflection of the value I placed on myself. It was the most damaging relationship I've ever experienced and it wasn't until the day I feared for my physical safety that I realised I had no choice but to seek help. At that point I was fortunate to be working at a yoga school who opened a room for me to find refuge. I will always be grateful for what they have done for me.

Even though this experience brought me great pain and suffering, it also brought me the most valuable gift. This is when the seedling started to germinate. I realised that if I don't start loving myself more fiercely, no one will. I learnt what it meant to identify my needs and honor them. It taught me exactly where my boundaries lie, that without respect all integrity is lost and that I always have a choice... A choice to choose better for myself. Even when my mind didn't allow me to see it because it couldn't believe that the possibility existed for something better. Looking back, I realise even when I thought I had no way out, the option to leave was always there. I just didn't believe it; and therefore, I couldn't see it.

Since then I have put in very clear limits as to what I put up with and what not... in any kind of relationship.

It wasn't until this year where I could finally, consciously, make a choice to attract and be open to a relationship that broke the pattern.

Namib Desert Lodge, Gondwana

It is quite an adjustment allowing someone to love me selflessly. It's rare to find someone who gives without an expectation of receiving back. The most valuable gift that I have come to accept from him is that he holds a non-judgmental space for me to heal and rediscover who I truly am. It is a safe space: a container that holds both my light and my shadow - as healing is not possible without the integration of both.

He doesn't try to change me into his version of the perfect girl. He doesn't tell me what to do or how to do things or who to be. He simply let's me be whatever I choose and holds presence for that. He doesn't look down on me or play games. He simply stands next to me, accepts me and holds me.

I have grown so much in the short time that we have been together only because he's given me the freedom to do so. This is when the little seedling really started to grow. Over my life I have mostly pushed through the hard shell and twisted and turmoiled underneath the soil only to finally be able to stick my head above ground and take my first, full breath of fresh air. His presence is like the soil: enveloping and grounding me in safety; his love and acceptance like water: nourishing me to unlock my own strength; and his openness, which grants me the freedom to explore myself, has been my sunshine.

I am getting ready to bloom.

Yes, it is possible to heal more profoundly in the presence of a loving partner but it's only possible to attract that partner when you have done the groundwork and prepared the soil for that seed to grow. The groundwork is the inner work of transmuting the lower frequencies of pain, shame and guilt to higher frequencies of courage, love and joy.

It is clear that the partners I attract directly reflect the frequency I hold inside. They only come to mirror back to me who I already am.