Story 5: What Heartfelt Alignment Feels Like
- 10 hours ago
- 4 min read
By the end of my stay on Koh Phangan, I felt human again. Calm. Rested. Ready to go home. And then, three days before my flight, everything shifted...
In the fall of 2019, I was invited to be the massage therapist on a yoga retreat held in Koh Phangan, Thailand. The retreat was held at Wonderland Healing Center — a vegan-based, boho-style center in a lush, tropical forest in paradise. We did lots of yoga, swam in the pool, ate from a wide range of fresh, healthy vegan food and I received a proper Thai Massage too. I slept deeply for the first time in months, ate until I felt nourished rather than full, and remembered what it felt like to move my body without exhaustion.
After the retreat, I stayed on the island for an extra 10 days and booked myself into a modern self-catering unit next to the beach. During those 10 days, I realised just how deeply fatigued I actually was. My body just wanted to "be". I rested, meditated and swam in the ocean. Towards the end, I was at peace with the thought of returning to my comfortable life in Namibia.
I was supposed to travel back on Monday. It was Friday. I got a message from Eva that a yoga teaching spot opened on a beautiful, private island in Zanzibar which I can apply for, if I'm interested. At the time, the job requirements seemed too overwhelming and since I was recovering from burn-out, I declined. But she insisted I apply for the job, so I did. My mind started to explore the possibility of experiencing something else... something different. This thought was alluring, but I wasn't convinced. I just wanted my simple, easy, comfortable life back.
On Saturday evening I planned to go out to have dinner with Sybille — a friend I met on the retreat. That day, I hired a scooter and started getting familiar with the mechanics of how to operate this thing. It was a nerve-wrecking experience teaching myself how to drive. After a couple of wide, clumsy turns, I started feeling more confident and I could make my turns sharper. Fast-forward to the evening, I felt quite proud of myself for driving all the way to where I met Sybille for dinner. We had a deeply insightful conversation about how fascia is connected to our emotional body. She showed me a technique where I place my hand on my sternum bone and by moving it a certain way, I could stretch the fascia in my chest and throat. In that moment, I felt something shifting and opening inside my heart. Later, as I drove back, I felt a warm calmness wash into my heart space as the full moon's light guided me home.
I remember grinning as I rode past a guy on his bike, standing at the T-junction where I needed to turn off. I performed one of my wide, clunky turns around him and headed away from him, driving slowly and cautiously. After about 30 seconds, someone pulled up next to me on a bike whilst driving and started talking to me. I almost jerked my bike in the opposite direction from the fright of him, but I guess my movement felt bigger inside. I realised it was the guy at the stop street. He must have turned around and chased me. Although, at the speed I was going, I was probably slower than a snail. He asked me where I was going to which I responded, "Home". He invited me to join him to a party. I declined. He kept asking until I pulled over, afraid I'd injure myself.
Now let me be clear: no-thing in me would have said yes to a random invitation like this at any other point in time. I'm not sure if it was the quiet, warm calmness inside my heart, the moon light or his charm, but something in me softened. I was not in survival anymore. I was fully present and connected to my heart. My mind still had its own reservations it tried to communicate to me, but my heart was ready to lead. Sensing my hesitation, he added: "Just try it out and if you don't like it, I'll drive you home." I didn’t say yes because I was brave. I said yes because, for the first time in a long time, my body felt safe.
The road there was partly gravel and since I've never driven a scooter before, I stumbled and fell as I arrived at the parking area. A little embarrassed and confused, since I had just established how safe I felt, I got up and dusted myself off. He came over to help me move my bike to a parking spot and for a moment I questioned whether I made the right choice. I noticed people dancing and as the lively music filled my awareness, I decided to "try it", as he'd suggested.
We spent the evening laughing, talking deeply, dancing, eating, and watching the stars. He was from Iran and had lived in Koh Phangan for a couple of years by then. We ended up spending as much of the leftover 36 hours we had before I had to leave, together. Needless to say, I was head-over-heels in love. It felt as though I’d stepped into a different dimension — a world where I felt 17 again, playful and free. All my worries and doubts dissolved. It was a feeling I had abandoned ever since I started "adulting" and I felt excited that life presented a chance to open that door again.
He invited me back to Thailand. I didn’t know if it would work. I wasn't even sure what "it" was. But I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep. In that 36 hours, I made a commitment to move to Thailand — IF I get the job in Zanzibar...
I’ll continue this story in the next post.
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