All That Shines Is Not Gold

The Question

I once attended a lecture in Koh Phangan hosted by a spiritual guru. One of the audience members raised their hand and asked: "How do you distinguish the real leaders from the fake ones? There are so many people who claim to be a good person and who really does good work to help people, but then they get caught up in their egos and use their authority to take advantage of people." This is very common amongst spiritual communities, but also in any field for that matter: be it politics, corporate, education, you name it. Vulnerable, innocent people get taken advantage of and are being forced to do things because they are ruled by someone with more power hiding behind a religious or spiritual mask, for example. The guru answered: "Look at how they treat the people in their community. How do they treat people who aren't necessarily going to pay them for their services?"

The Mask

Have you ever admired someone publicly, only to see a very different side of them in private? I think it's very easy for leaders in all fields to put up a convincing show when they teach or talk in front of a group of people because they have trained to perfect that character. But if their audience could catch a glimpse of their character back home, they might get a different picture. How do they treat a stranger on the street, their friends, their family and their spouse?

A garden at a cafe in Thailand.

The drama behind the scenes are usually a lot more than the drama on stage because that's where they can't hide. Some people do. Some people hide their whole lives, but no-one is able to keep up appearances forever. I'm not saying everyone who leads should be perfect. We're all human, we all make mistakes. But what are their real intentions underneath the sugar-coated words that makes you feel like you're on top of the world when they talk to you but then you feel uncomfortable about that same comment when they're not around?Most people who manipulate are deeply afraid of losing their identity, so they cling to control. Even if you point out the obvious fact that they hurt you, they'll turn it around so that you look like the bad guy.

My Wake-up Call

Fortunately, I have developed a keen sense for sniffing out people's hidden agenda's and picking up on their level of authenticity. I've had a couple of partners who have played games with me: hurting me and then using my anger against me to look like I'm the one who's unreasonably emotional. Ever since I've had this one specific partner with whom I was together for 6 months in Thailand who played a whole new level of manipulation on me, I was cured from the disease of attracting any more such partners. He was a master player on a level beyond any normal human being's competency. He was so skillful at his act it took out the last bit of light from me. I was torn, broken and sucked dry from any happiness and joy. He made sure I cried as soon as I opened my eyes in the morning. It was really bad. After our relationship finally ended, I had to fight to get back the inspiration to continue my path.

This was me on holiday with that partner I mentioned. I put on a happy face but I was crying inside.

Lessons Learned

However, I learnt so much from that experience. I learnt how to read people really well, I learnt where my real strength lies, I learnt everything about boundaries and I learnt that no money in the world is worth giving up your integrity, self-respect and your power to make decisions that honor your truth. I also saw first-hand how his students had such a skewed perception of him simply because he was a good sports coach. But behind the scenes, they knew nothing. It was better that way, because if they knew, it would have certainly put him out of business for good.

Listen to Your Body

If you have someone to whom you're giving the power to make choices over your life that doesn't sit well with you, run. You are not only losing the results from their choices over you, you are losing life force energy from your system that is used to keep you healthy and happy. I know you might not be in the situation to cut them off immediately, because they always make sure that you are dependent on them for something. Make a plan to open up your own resources and then cut them off. When you reclaim your power, you’re not just protecting your health—you’re giving yourself permission to thrive. Don't ever sacrifice your health. It's your biggest investment. Your future self will thank you.