Story 1: From Burn-Out to Balance

Over the next few weeks I will share a series of posts that will tell the story of how I ended up where I am, doing what I love and helping people live their best lives. Along the way, I’ll be sharing pieces of wisdom that I hope will spark inspiration and maybe a little entertainment too.

My body has one rule: if I ignore its needs, I get sick. The first few years after school taught me this lesson the hard way.

After school, I went on to study film in Cape Town. I got a degree in Motion Picture Medium, specializing in Costume, Make-up and Styling, as well as Script Writing. I started working in the film and theatre industry whilst studying full time in my second year. As a broke student, starting in the competitive film industry was not for everyone, but it strengthened my grit and honed my creative and practical problem solving skills.

What I appreciated most about my studies, was that it wasn't all academic and theoretical. It was practical, hands-on, real-life scenarios where we literally had to go out and create films with whatever materials, equipment and locations we could find or afford with our (sometimes non-existing) student budgets. They gave us the framework for the end product and we had to make it come to life with minimal resources. My studies taught me more about real life than the 12 years I spent at school learning (mostly) useless information that didn't teach me anything about the practicalities of how to figure out real-life problems. It honed a growth mindset within me, where I had to stop asking: "Can I do this?" And start asking: "How can I do this?". That is where I learnt how to create opportunities and attract resources when I would initially think that I'm stuck.

After I graduated I already secured a position at a then-popular theatre, called The Fugard Theatre, where I worked as Assistant Production Manager and Dresser. This basically means I did a lot back stage in helping the actors and actresses getting dressed, maintaining and upgrading or replacing props and costumes and having everything and everyone in their place before, during and after shows. It was extremely fun and I learnt a lot about managing groups of people and individuals and getting creative with problem solving under a lot of pressure.

That chapter taught me resilience, but it also taught me the cost of ignoring my body. Unfortunately, I ended up burning out and feeling undervalued so I packed my bags and went back to Namibia. I worked in the tourism industry and saved enough money to apply for a theatre course in Massachusetts, America. I stayed on a farm for 3 months where I met some of the most amazing people - one of whom I'm still friends with today. I learnt how to really get in touch with my body and my spirit in this time. I think it's any actor's path: to learn to get to know your own psyche and in order to work with it, you need to heal a lot of blockages within your subconscious. Acting is such a fun, playful way to heal. You get to explore parts of yourself that you didn't know were hiding inside of you and by bringing them out, you free yourself from the untold stories within you. It's very liberating and challenging at the same time.

My Chilean friend, Camila, and I, playing in a student film in Ashfield, Massachusetts. 2014.

Whenever you are asked to play a part that you're uncomfortable with, you need to ask yourself: why am I uncomfortable playing this character? What about this character is triggering me and why is that? How can I embrace the parts of me that I used to reject in order to let them shine for this role? There's a lot of healing in accepting parts about ourselves we don't like.

I definitely came back a more whole, mature version of myself. But I had a lot more healing to do... Before I applied for the course I was still determined to work in the entertainment industry. It wasn't until after a couple of months into the course that I considered switching careers. Not because I didn't like the course, but because I reflected on my experience in the industry in Cape Town and realised I don't want to go back there. I saw how ruthless the entertainment industry is. If you don't have thick skin, a relentless competitiveness to the point where you'll betray someone to get ahead, the willingness to take drugs to deal with the immense pressure and insanely long working hours, let alone the fake people, you'll be crushed. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I wasn't willing to do any of that. Or, rather, my body wasn't allowing me to.

I'm not saying everyone in the entertainment industry is fake. I very much appreciate the people I was privileged enough to work with. In fact, I've been lucky enough to have met some of the most brilliant, talented and skilled actors and actresses and crew members in Cape Town. This was the show I was most proud to be a part of:

The cast and crew of the Rocky Horror Picture Show at The Fugard Theatre. 2013. I am in the bottom row, second from left.

But I have also met fake, hypocritical people whose energy affected me badly. I just remember being in hospital once with kidney infection when the main cast member (the ONLY cast member of her OWN show) called me and demanded I get back on set that evening. I was shocked that she couldn't comprehend the fact that I was unable to get out of bed because of how sick I was. She didn't care. I was supposed to be on set.

The reason I got sick in the first place was because I didn't yet learn how to put in boundaries and take care of myself first. The industry didn't allow for that. You were expected to put everyone around you before your own "selfish" needs and work overtime without getting extra payment because "If you don't want to be here, you'll be replaced very quickly." I get that though. I actually have a high regard for that mindset because it's true: people need to be grateful for their work and do it to the very best of their ability. And I did. I really did. I didn't have a social life outside of my work. My work was my social too. But there's also a line that you need to draw when you're literally emptying out your heart and soul for an industry that ultimately doesn't care about you.

Have you ever been in an environment where your body started screaming at you to stop?

That was the start and end of my career in the entertainment industry. I learned that I have no choice but to listen to my body and honor its needs. I have zero capacity for being in bad company, overcompensating my time and energy on people who don't deserve it and I can't be in a career where my efforts are not being rewarded. That’s when I made the switch from the entertainment industry to wellness, where I finally learned how to honor my body.

I’ll share that journey in my next post.