Transcending Fear

Looking back, my time in Thailand was where I unpacked the beliefs that I took on as part of my identity. Yoga, breathwork and meditation has helped me uncover who I thought I was to get to know who I really am. And I’m still in the process. 

Anjaneyasana

Just to give you some context on the subject I’ll be referring to, here is a little introduction to what it means to be conditioned and why it is important to decondition:

Our thoughts carry a vibration that influences our words which influences our actions. We live in a reality constructed of very specific subconscious programs that run the show, whether we’re aware of it, or not, and whether we like to admit it, or not. It has been proven that 95% of the thoughts we think on a daily basis are rooted in the subconscious and that 85% of those thoughts are negative. Imagine what could be possible if every single human being deconditions just 1%. This would mean that we completely dissolve one deep-seated belief that is holding us back. If the global population could reverse just a little bit of the negative, self-sabotaging thoughts and we could all shift just 1% closer to our true selves, we would unlock a whole new level of consciousness leading to a whole new generation of humans creating a whole new reality on the planet! The exciting fact is that this is already happening. 

Even though this deconditioning process started many moons ago for me, I am far from done. Koh Phangan was exactly what I needed to accelerate this process of uprooting the weeds of my subconscious garden. It created a bubble for me with a time and space of its own, separated from the rest of the world. It was as if I entered a time warp - untouched by the outside world… You may refer to it as the term used in the New Age language: “returning to self”. 

And then the journey took me straight back home, to Namibia. My roots. I’m back in the familiar environment that conditioned me in the first place. Even though I’m still in the process of shedding the old programs, I am also in a more elevated position to choose what new programs to add onto this slate. What narratives from the past do I want to reconnect with and what narratives am I ready to let go of for good? 

Last weekend I did a recorded breathwork journey that I delivered some time ago. It was clear that the beliefs I was ready to let go of, were:

I am unworthy.

I am judged and therefore I am not good enough and therefore I am unworthy. 

I am unworthy and therefore I am fearful of expressing myself. 

Do you feel how disempowering it feels when you read those words?

My subconscious took me through all the people who judged me as I grew up, from other kids who did gymnastics with me, to my coaches, people I went to school with and their parents… It was interesting to see that their judgments impacted me more than I realised. What was more interesting, was that I could recognize that the times when I was the happiest and performing my best at gymnastics, was when everything at home was stable. The moment my parents’ divorce got real, my inner world became unstable. My little safe world as I knew it came crumbling down and because it made me feel unsafe within myself, I couldn’t continue to be brave and do the challenging elements that I used to be able to do. The emotional instability caused such a physical and mental block within me that it affected my training. I also felt heavily judged and pressured when this happened. This is such an interesting insight, because it proves how we cannot separate our physical, mental, emotional or spiritual selves. If one of them gets affected, they all get affected. 

Parivrrta Parsvakonasana

Furthermore, when I spoke to my friend afterwards who did the journey with me, she said it makes so much sense why she developed a fear of heights as a child. When she was young, she didn’t have any fear… until her world shattered due to trauma, and all of a sudden she became too scared to climb the trees she used to scramble up so easily. The fear was real. It was only recently that she started to take her power back and regain her inner safety that she began to trust in herself again and climb trees fearlessly. 

On the other hand, the new beliefs that I’ve taken on, are: 

I am comfortable and at peace in my bigness.

I am worthy of receiving. 

I am untouched by other’s opinions of me.

Do you feel the power returning as you read these words?

This new-found identity - more comfortable in my own skin, more accepting of who I am and what I present to the world, and even being okay with being misperceived, is such a good place to be. 

This new vibration is empowering. It’s a level of “believing” instead of doubting, second-guessing or worrying. It’s just a deep inner peace that descends down on me as I sit back into the comfortable chair of solid knowing. It’s a full, slow, deep exhale. It’s a solid “yes” to what resonates and a solid “no” to what doesn’t. 

It’s being willing to play an infinite game without any expectation of the outcome.

It is stepping into my greatness fearlessly… 

Padmasana